How to Survive a Bank Robbery

I’m a man of action. I don’t wear suits to work, I wear cargo pants and roomy shirts so that I can slide across car hoods comfortably. My footwear enables me to chase down perps and run two or three steps up a vertical wall. That way I can grab the upper edge and climb the rest of the way up. Flower pots at the mall aren’t obstacles to go around, I leap them.

So if you are in a bank and three men in US president Halloween masks stroll in with black bags and assault rifles, here’s what you should do.

Step 1: Look Confused

The baddies will think you aren’t a threat if you blend in with the rest of the cattle. The other customers will all be scared so you should blend in with them like a ninja.

Step 2: Cower When Pistol Whipped

The bank robbers may choose to use you as an example to the other customers. Usually this involves being pistol whipped. When this happens, cower to throw them off. You are, of course, waiting for just the right time to strike. So throw off the baddies with your cowardly yelps, and even wet your pants if you think you can pull it off and keep your dignity.

Step 3: Don’t get Blood on the Robbers

When they beat you, nothing gets a bank robber more incensed then being bled on. So keep it to yourself.

Step 4: Offer Up Other Hostages as Alternatives to Yourself

When the robbers come looking for you to be held in the door with the shotgun to your head, offer that they take the woman next to you instead. The robbers will agree with your insight that the cops will have more sympathy for a woman and they will eventually grow to trust you and bond with you in a process known as the Stockholm Syndrome.

Step 5: When it’s All Over, Explain Your Intentions

Nothing impresses the SWAT team more than telling them how you were planning to bust a move on those robbers just before SWAT came in with all their flashbangs and screaming and handcuffing.

With these five simple steps, you can survive a bank robbery with ease.